Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
