they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
