I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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