Im at strip club and am horny
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Less talking, more tequila
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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