God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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