the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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