"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
