Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize