If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
