Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
