after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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