Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
