she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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