i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
