people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
