I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
