can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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