it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
