Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
