yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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