nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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