Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
