So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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