i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
