from now on my penis is your penis
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize