I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
