If that was your dad, he is hot
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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