I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
