I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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