Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ugly people sure do ruin things
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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