i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
