my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
