If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
