I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
