I just cut my nipple shaving
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
