The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
