She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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