I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
