Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize