the condom got lost in my hair
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I FOUND THE LEGS
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
