I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
