I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize