i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
