I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
