this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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