i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
sex in a hospital.. check
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
