my sisters under your porch take her home
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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