I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
