since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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