Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
