is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
