I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
