Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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