Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
