Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
